FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures
by TheFMZGuy
Summary: In a city of retired video game and other media characters, former heroes Link, Dante, Cloud, Blade and Spikeman embark on insane, nonsensical and VERY inappropriate misadventures. Rated M for just about everything.
1. Episode One: Bualls

In the year 2005, a particularly bored twelve year old began reciting funny stories to his often high as hell friend. The stories, detailing the often incredibly irrelevant lives of retired video game characters. A decade later, nearly every original post and publication of the stories has been lost to the flow of time, deletion of forums and general poor storage management on my part. Now, for time I'm not even sure what, the series takes on its latest revival:

…

THE CAST:

Dante Sparda (Devil May Cry): A former demon-slayer who retired from the business for badtalking his design in Devil May Cry 4. The name Capcom leaves a bad taste in his mouth and, in his struggle to embrace his newfround freedom, is exercising his ridiculously powerful levito. He is an amateur pornographic film director to keep money coming in.

…

Link McNash (Legend of Zelda): The once illustrious Hero of Time, whose career and reputation kinda fell apart when he retroactively undid his own saving of the world by returning to his childhood and having Ganondorf arrested for misconduct, rather than slaying him after seven years of darkness. Zelda also broke up with him when she started fucking his cel-shaded self. Link's raging alcoholic tendencies mix together with his mellowed out pot-smoking to create a mostly functioning individual. He resells dirty needles in his free time. Roommates with Cloud.

…

Cloud Strife (Final Fantasy VII): Depressed by the death of his lover Aerith towards the end of Final Fantasy VII and further depressed by the downward spiral the whoring of his license created, Cloud is a miserable little creature who claims to be Jewish, may or may not struggle with his sexual identity, and whose thoughts of slashing his own wrists grow stronger every day. No one is entirely sure what his job is, or why he willingly lives in poor conditions with Link.

…

Blade: An electricity powered hedgehog who has been out of work after being exiled from the Super Smash Flash series, along with companion and roommate Spikeman. Blade is the team's voice of reason, is incredibly technologically and combat savvy and is generally kind to others. It is perhaps the only reason why he hangs out with the rest of the cast, sometimes bordering on being a doting father-figure, though not unwilling to engage in their insanity himself. He moved into the neighborhood several years after the core cast has been developed, but is beloved by all of them nonetheless. He is a retired hitman and now works as a hibachi chef.

…

Spikeman: A spikey (a race of armless creatures around three-feet tall, most of which is head and spikey hair), Spikeman and Blade have been close friends since they were both kicked out of Super Smash Flash 2. Falling into obscurity created a deep, brotherly bond between the two… Though like any other pair of brothers, they have many scraps of their own. Spikeman is brash and impulsive, but often serves as the heart of the big five.

…

FMZ Mini Stories: The New Non-Adventures

Season Idunfuckingknow

Episode One: Bualls

…

[The scene opens within Link and Cloud's apartment as Link sits sprawled out on the couch and watches Saturday morning cartoons, a joint in one hand, a Jägermeister in the other.]]

Link: Come on… Get to the good stuff already! You call this starting a fucking season? I feel like I'm getting a root canal while having my chest hairs waxed… And being forced to watch The Mummy 3… (Under his breath) Is that reference still relevant?

[Cloud enters from his bedroom, scratching his eyes until he gets a good look at Link sprawled out on the couch. He is instantly furious]

Cloud: What have I told you about sitting naked on the damn loveseat?!

Link: I'm using it for its intended purpose! You're supposed to make love on it, dumbass.

Cloud: Alright smart guy, who'd you make love to on it then?

Link: My girlfriend of the week. Her name is Candy. (He waves to Cloud) Hi there, stupid blonde haired guy… Did I say Candy? I meant Handy.

Cloud: Did you wash that hand?

Link: What do you think I am, a barbarian?

Cloud: Good.

[Cloud then grabs ahold of the hand Link waved at him with and begins to squeeze and twist it. In moments, Link is shouting in agony.

Link: Ow! Cut it out asshole!

Cloud: No! I'm sick and tired of waking up and finding you pulling this shit on the couch _I_ paid for! Apologize!

Link: NO!

Cloud: Damn it, I'll bite it off if you make me!

[Link shifts his position on the couch so that he can deliver a few kicks to Cloud's face]

Link: What, you're not gonna take me out to dinner first?!

Cloud: Give it to me! I've endured enough of this shit already!

[In amongst the struggle, Link manages to trap Cloud in a triangle choke. However, this maneuver leaves his balls inches away from Cloud's mouth. Cloud, in turn, leans forward to bite them, which nearly brings Link to freak out, until there is a knock on the door.]

Landlord Daisy: Hey! You homos gonna answer the door for me?

Link: I take that offensively Mrs. Perkins, and I'd sue you for it if I had the funds to do so!

Landlord Daisy: Yeah yeah yeah. Open the door already!

[Link releases Cloud who then pushes him aside, glaring at him for a moment before slapping him right in the nads.]

Link: MOTHERFUCKER! (Clenches his balls and grits his teeth).

[Cloud goes to answer the door. A half-toothed, raggedy looking Princess Daisy leans against the doorway, smoking a cigarette. Cloud immediately averts his eyes]

Cloud: Agh! Um… Hello… Mrs. Perkins… Doing well today?

Daisy: Cut the shit, Strife. You're a week late on rent.

Cloud: Late on rent? I had it ready for you last Friday! I left it right on the counter for Link to deliver to you.

Daisy: I never received it.

Cloud: (Glares at Link) I left you my half of the rent. Where the fuck did it go?

Link: Wha… What? The money you left on the counter…? I thought that was for the apocalypse bunker.

[Cloud's jaw drops as Daisy peers inside, noticing the naked Link]

Cloud: Apocalypse bunker?! What apocalypse bunker?! We don't even have a backyard you piece of shit!

Link: But I bought hundreds of boxes of Hot Pockets and instant mashed potatoes already!

[Cloud grabs Link to beat the shit out of him, but Daisy interrupts them with an "Ahem".]

Daisy: Hey there MacNash.

Link: How did you learn my last name?

Daisy: You got nice bualls.

Link: *Blink blink* Um… Thank you?

Daisy: I'll tell you homos what… Mr. Perkins hasn't been especially receptive to my needs as of late… I haven't had my… Cake batter whizzed lately, if you know what I mean?

Link: Uhh… What?

Daisy: I want you to pound my muffin.

Cloud: You… I don't get it…

Daisy: Oh for the love of- You're gonna fuck me McNash!

Link: (Unsettled) What?!

Daisy: You. Fuck. Me. And I'll drop your rent for the month.

[Link and Cloud exchange genuinely disturbed looks before…]

Cloud: He'll do it.

Link: WHAT?!

[Daisy gives Link a smile, revealing a horrid smile]

Daisy: Looking forward to it, McNash… You ever had anyone look in your asshole?

Link: *Goes pale* Um… I don't think so…?

[Daisy pops out her right eye, revealed to be glass, and rolls it around between her fingers]

Daisy: I can't wait to touch your brown eye with one of my blues, McNash. See you on Wednesday.

[Daisy cackles and wheezes nicotine as she steps out of their room, Link staring at Cloud, still flushed with horror]

Link: You piece of shit… I can't fuck that! I'll take the street first!

Cloud: Yeah? Well you spent all my rent, bitch. You screwed me out of my hard-earned money, time to pay the price.

Link: Well what am I even going to do?! I can't keep a boner when I'm inside… THAT!

Cloud: Well, thankfully we have somebody to go to. Put your damn pants on, we're going to Dante's.

[Dante's apartment, down the road]

Dante: So let me get this straight, you spent all your rent on stupid shit, and now you have to poke your ugly landlord to get her back off for a month?

Cloud: Yep.

Dante: Been there, done that. Alright, there are two things we gotta take advantage of. Let me get my dry erase board.

[Dante wheels said dry erase board in and grabs a marker, taking a quick huff for the hell of it]

Dante: Okay, here's what we're gonna- WHEW, that's some potent shit right there! Aw man, that's nice… Okay, anyway, here's what we're gonna do. *Dante begins drawing a number of crude illustrations the writer thankfully has left to your imagination* There are two things we gotta use here. The first, as you can see right here, is a reverse-cowgirl. You're on the bottom, she's on the top, and she's faced away from you. It's the world's most ideal way to bang ugly types… She's not a whale right?

Link: Well-

Cloud: No. She's not.

Dante: I mean there's an important distinction to make. A woman with a little of that extra stuff on her can be pretty fuckin' rad.

Cloud: She doesn't have any of that. We promise.

Dante: I mean I'm Italian. My grandma? My maternal great-grandma? She was a fat fat fat fat fat woman… But that's five fats. Any more than seven and they're going to suffocate you.

Cloud: (Unamused) Please stop telling us how you want to pork your grandma and get on with it.

Dante: Okay, anyway reverse-cowgirl. Easy fix, you just tell her to mount you backwards. Unless she somehow has a hideous back, you should be fine.

Link: But what if she demands I look her in the eye?

Cloud: It's Mrs. Perkins. She only has _one_ of her eyes, remember?

Dante: Our next step is to craft you a Pavlovian boner.

Link: (Stares) I know I've said it a lot already but… WHAT?!

Dante: It's simple, classic conditioning shit. Here, let me show you. (Dante goes over to his DVD rack and retrieves a copy of "Village Hidden in the Lay" and a pack of Big Red chewing gum). Okay, this is simple. All you gotta do is chew this gum and watch this DVD.

Link: Um… Why? What would that accomplish.

Dante: Your brain can be taught to associate certain things together. If you've got a raging stiffie while you're chewing gum, after a few sessions, your mind will associate chewing gum with raging stiffies, so you'll be able to get hard just by chewing gum. It'll help you maintain your erection while you're fucking ugly.

Link: (Exchanges looks at the gum and DVD before looking to Cloud) Will you watch it with me?

[Cloud punches Link in the mouth]

[Later that night, Link sits with Spikeman on the couch, who, naturally, wouldn't miss hot Konoichi on Konoichi action for all of King Midas's gold]

Link: (Takes a long drag on his joint as he chews his gum) I don' fuggin' get it… If Itchy chan really hated sex because the Nine-cocked fox fucked everybody when she was a kid, why did she grow up to fuck all the the people in her clan and not leave any for her sister, Saslesbian.

Spikeman: Why didn't the creators spring for a better pun? Saslesbian, seriously? Because it's like "gay" and "Sasuke" sounds like "Sas-gay"? This is a piece of shit. Did Dante write this?

Link: He has a directing credit, but the writer is apparently someone named "Mr. Hatake."

Spikeman: Never heard of him… Nine cocked fox… What would you even do with all those? I can come up with maybe five holes, if I really thought about it.

Link: What if she's got like, a really big belly button?

Spikeman: No. Just no.

Link: How fuggin long are we gonna focus on Itchy and Saslesbian's shit anyway? I thought this series was supposed to be about Naruko Uwilfukmi.

Spikeman: Are you complaining about not seeing the chick who has a nine-penised demon inside her?

Link: Yeah… Maybe a little…

[Link goes on prepping his Pavlovian boner, cultivating it to perfection on Wednesday]

Link: And that's how Big Red became the sexiest gum on the face of the earth.

Blade: Fascinating… I wonder how Pavlov would feel about his work going towards something like this.

Spikeman: If Oboobto just wanted revenge for Cockashi popping Ring's cherry, why is he trying to take revenge on the whole planet?

Blade: It's not JUST because Cockashi had sex with Ring. That was just her moment when she decided love in sex didn't really matter, so she seeks to create a world of illusion where those things DO matter.

Link: Madickshard is still ridiculously overpowered. It ruins the story's structure if he can just fuck everyone as much as he wants. He's seriously too oversexed WITHOUT the ten-cocked beast.

[Friday comes, Link is being pep-talked by Cloud]

Cloud: Alright jackass, you've got the gum, you've got the cowgirl technique, I know you can do this. Don't fuck up… I mean… DO fuck up… She'll be on top of you so… Yeah, fuck UP, just don't FUCK up.

Link: I need more beer… I'm so going to be sick…

[An hour later, Link stumbles into Daisy's apartment, shaking his head and pushing sickness aside as he looks up at Daisy, garbed in a sexy neglige that completely contrasts with how utterly hideous she is.

Daisy: Well well, looks like you made it lover-boy. (Link heaves a little and takes a long drink from a flask of whiskey.) Gimmie a sip of that.

Link: (Hands her the flask) Hey… Listen… Mrs. Perkins… D'ya like Hot Pockets? Because I can offer you a lot, A LOT of Hot-

Daisy: Hey, McNash, did you know my people are descended from dinosaurs?

Link: Wha… No…?

Daisy: Yeah. Dinosaurs who disappeared into an alternate dimension and evolved into people… You ever met a woman who can do this? (Daisy sticks out a ridiculously long, forked tongue and wraps it around the flask, rolling it up and down. Link stares in horror as she jacks off his flask before he runs to a trash can and vomits violently.

Link: Holy… Holy fucking shit… Think there's some blood in there...

Daisy: What's that smell?

Link: Mostly… Mostly beef stroganoff and Big Red's chewing gum…

Daisy: Yer a dirty man McNash. I'm a vegetarian. Mostly. (She starts blowing the flask again, Link heaves once more).

Link: Hey… Hey listen… I wanna keep it… Vanilla dome on this one… You know?

Daisy: Oh, so you're a basic bitch huh? I think that's cute. Wanna know what brontosaurus boobs look like?

[Link would vomit again, but his stomach is empty at this point.]

Link: Please… I was raised Jehova's Witness… Can we just… I wanna lay down and let it happen… Can you please understand that?

Daisy: Yeah yeah yeah McNash. You're a lazy fucker aren't you?

Link: … Yep. That's exactly what this is! I'm a lazy fucker. Sure am. But you know what I like? Cowgirls… Reverse cowgirls… I want you to reverse cowgirl me.

Daisy: Well apparently you're not _that_ boring McNash! Go lay down and I'll get to work.

[Link swallows hard and stuffs several pieces of Big Red gum into his mouth as he lays down in his bed, gnashing the gum as fast as possible. Daisy mounts him with her back to him as the two begin to fuck. Link's eyes are kept very tightly shut as Daisy rides him, excited at first before she slows down.]

Link: HEY! What's going on? Let's just get it done here!

Daisy: Your bualls aren't as nice as they were the other day.

Link: Would you quit saying it like that?! They were sore because I got slapped in em'.

Daisy: Huh… I see… (Daisy pauses for a moment and begins aggressively slapping Link's nuts. He was quickly screaming in agony as she keeps at it.)

Link: Cut it out you bitch! They're gonna be beanbags by the time you're done!

Daisy: Oh I'm counting on it! Huge bualls are the shit buddy!

[Daisy throws a few more slaps as Link continues to cringe and roar in pain. Struggling to do anything, Link reaches up and grabs ahold of Daisy's hair on the back of her head and yanks it to try and get her off. To his continued surprise, it is revealed to be a wig and, moments later, he suddenly realizes Daisy has a third eye in the back of her head. It looks surprised at first, but then half-closes seductively as Link looks on in horror.]

Daisy: Oh my, looks like you found my other eye… You wanna know where my other mouth is?

Daisy's Asshole: Howdy thar partner!

[Link screams in abject terror for several seconds before the sheer shock forces him into unconsciousness.]

[Cut to several days later, in a downtown hospital]

Dr. Stiles: Quite a nasty situation you got yourself in there sir. She slapped your testicles for two straight hours after you fell unconscious. I can hardly believe there wasn't any permanent damage. The things looked like balloons when we wheeled you in.

Link: Thanks for the encouragement doc… I'm sore… I'm disgusted… I'm hungover… Can I please go home now?

Dr. Stiles: The only thing left to do is prescribe you your treatment. (He tears a sheet out of the notebook he is writing in.) Here you go, do this for a month or so and you'll be fine.

[Link looks at the doctor's note and double takes]

Link: You're telling me I get to-

[Cut to Link in his apartment, in literally the exact same position he was in at the beginning of the episode]

Link: -Sit on my couch, totally naked and just let the boys have some air. [Cloud stares at him in total repulsion.] I think this is the first time anyone has ever said this literally: Fucking, worth it!

The End.


	2. Episode Two: Square

Season: Idunfugginknow

Episode 2: Square

…

[Scene opens on Cloud in the kitchen, having set up a number of ingredients, measuring devices and a large bowl with a smaller bowl next to it. Into the small bowl Cloud combines flour, sugar and baking powder. In the larger bowl Cloud lightly beats a few egg yolks, adds in some milk, butter and vanilla and then stirs well. After stirring it to a fine mix, he combines the dry ingredients with the wet and quickly cleans out the bowl the dry ingredients were in so he can beat a few egg whites in it. When the egg whites form soft peaks, Cloud folds them into his batter and again mixes well. Leaving his mixture to sit, Cloud goes to the kitchen's lower cabinet only to shockingly find nothing there. His eyes twitch for a moment before he shouts]

Cloud: GOD DAMNIT! LINK!

[Camera pans to Link, still naked on the couch and smoking a joint]

Link: WHAT? I'm right here! There's no need to yell?

Cloud: Where is my Belgian waffle iron?

Link: Your what?

Cloud: My Belgian waffle iron! That thing I've been using to make big, delicious, light as air waffles every Tuesday since we moved in here!

Link: Oh. Right… I think I let Spikeman borrow it.

Cloud: For what?!

Link: I dun fuggin' know… What got stuck up your ass? Just pour the batter in that one weird frying pan and make some square pancakes.

Cloud: Listen here jackass, I'm not going to make square pancakes. This is about more than the shape of my morning pastry. The US doesn't know shit about Belgium, we've literally got two things to our name, and that's our waffles and our chocolate. This is how I embrace my ancestry in a country that clearly doesn't appreciate it!

Link: I literally did a Wikipedia search in the time you were rambling. Guess what shithead? Belgian waffles are an American concept.

Cloud: … Well… Sometimes you gotta accept cultural appropriation! We also invented French Fries but the damn Frenchies stole those from us!

Link: Aren't you just as French as you are Belgian-

Cloud: Forget this crap. I'm going to Spikeman's to get my waffle maker back!

[Cloud departs. Shortly after he is out the door, Link turns to make sure he's gone and slips on a pair of boxers]

Link: Finally. I like to piss him off but the fibers are really starting to feel raw.

[Cloud storms over to Blade and Spikeman's apartment, banging on the door with increased frustration]

Spikeman: Oh, hey there Cloud! How's it going?

Cloud: Do you have my waffle maker?

Spikeman: Your waffle- OH! Yeah, that's right. C'mon in. How you feeling today pal?

Cloud: Hungry.

Spikeman: Yeah, fair enough. So let's see…

[Spikeman walks to his lower set of cabinets and opens them, but finds nothing but pots and pans.]

Spikeman: Shit… I think it's in one of the upper cabinets then. Let me get a chair-

[Cloud walks to the upper cabinets and opens them himself, searching through and pushing stuff around as needed]

Spikeman: Hey careful up there! Those are very carefully organized-

[Spikeman is comically hit on the head with a can of Campbell's soup that Cloud haphazardly tosses out]

Cloud: It's not here.

Spikeman: Owww… I mean… I dunno man… Let's check the waffle party footage.

Cloud: (Unamused) Waffle party footage?

[Cut to Cloud and Spikeman watching video footage of Spikeman and Blade holding a party a few nights previous, eating various waffle-related foods and drinking tons of booze, the room full of characters I don't want to name here because it'll be funnier when they say stupid shit]

Blade: (Chuckling like an idiot) Okay… Okay guys… We made waffles… We made waffle falafel… Shit, waffle falafel is fun to say…

Mario: We made a'waffle pizza!

Blade: Yeah, waffle pizza.

Gordon Freeman: (Says nothing, but holds up a sign reading "Waffle Fries!")

Doug Funnie: (Clearly the most smashed of them all) And we made waffle grilled cheese! They were delicious. So much so that it almost fills the void in my heart that bitch Patti Mayonnaise left behind!

Blade: Yeah, those grilled cheese were hella-

Doug: No! I mean hang- (hic) Hang on. I wasn't done yet. (Doug pushes Blade away from the camera and begins violently pointing at it.) Patti, I know you're out there somewhere! I know- (hic) I know you're watching this! I want you to know I always hated you! And I still hate how fucking happy you are!

Spikeman: (Clearly getting uncomfortable) Funnie, man, calm down there. That was a long time ago-

Doug: YOU BROKE MY HEART! I don't care if you thought it was normal, people walked all over my ass back in school, and now I know you were just being sympathetic because you felt sorry for me. Poor ol' Doug Funnie, that pink spinned freak!

Blade: Doug, man, get ahold of yourself. You don't wanna go down this road again-

Doug: But I always secretly knew you were (belch) a vixen! That's why you split up with me and started fucking somebody else! These morons at home all think Korra was Nickelodeon's first lesbian-

Mario: Um… Maybe we cut'a the footage now-

[The video abruptly ends as Cloud and Spikeman continue to look on at the screen]

Cloud: All I got out of that was that Doug isn't any more funny now than he was back in 1999.

Spikeman: Oooh, zing. But here, watch the footage again.

[Spikeman slowly backs up the video as, in amongst Doug's rambling, they can clearly see Gordon Freeman grabbing the waffle iron and slipping out the door with it]

Cloud: Son of a bitch! Where does that bastard live?

Spikeman: Um… Apartment on the intersection of second street and Nomore I think? Room number 2-9?

Cloud: Thanks. He's mine.

[Cloud then dashes out from the apartment and makes for Gordon's apartment, getting there in a smash cut and banging on the door. Gordon Freeman answers rather quickly and gives Cloud a blank stare]

Cloud: I'm here for my waffle iron.

Gordon Freeman: …

Cloud: I asked you a simple question, where the hell is my waffle maker?

Gordon Freeman: …

[Cloud raises his fist, but is smacked upside the face with a crowbar for his trouble. He is instantly shouting in pain and clenching at the wound as blood starts to spill from it]

Cloud: You piece of shit!

[Cloud tackles Gordon Freeman and the two briefly wrestle on the ground, Cloud delivering a few punches to his face before the phone starts to ring and they both stop, staring up at it as it goes to voice mail]

Pawn shop owner: Hey there Gordon, hope you get this soon. Just wanted to say thanks again for selling me that waffle iron. It's a nice waffle iron. That waffle iron you sold me. Me, the owner of the pawn shop off sixth and grand. That pawn shop. With the waffle iron? Thanks for selling it to me. Hope I wasn't interrupting anything or babbling useful exposition. Me, the owner of the pawn shop with the waffle iron.

[Cloud rushes out the door and in another quick cut is at the pawn shop]

Cloud: The hell do you mean it's not here?! You've had it for like, a day!

Pawn shop owner: Yeah but I needed it for… Something… Look blondie, it's a little hard to explain-

Cloud: Well I have to explain to my stomach why it's after noon and we still haven't had any God damn waffles!

Pawn shop owner: Look bud, it's just not here anymore, okay? And you _really_ don't wanna mess with the guy who took it… I can't really give you any specifics, it's too weird and I might be punished for speaking out of turn… But you really don't want to mess with these guys… I could offer you a great sale on a square pancake maker-

[Cloud grabs him by the shirt and pulls him in close, snarling in an embittered way]

Pawn shop owner: Fine fine fine… [He pulls a notecard out of under the pricing desk and jots down a few notes.] You want this location, and this time. This right here is the password phrase… It's your funeral bud.

[At a quarter to 2 AM, Cloud arrives at an inconspicuous looking warehouse, storming in in frustration only to find it totally empty. He considers shouting again, but then refers to the notecard and takes a deep breath]

Cloud: … Hello? I'm looking for… Um… I'm looking for (sighs and reads off notecard) 'The large box. Who happens to be a homosexual. And a king. Whose name happens to be… (Cloud sighs, barely able to say the last word) Gaylord.

Effeminate Voice in the back of the Warehouse: ARE YOU PERHAPS REFERRING TO-

All of the boxes singing simultaneously: GAYLORD, THE GAY LORD GAYLORD?

[And with that all of the boxes begin to gleefully sing a ridiculous song]

_Gaylord! (Gaylord Gaylord!)_

_The Gay Lord Gaylord (Gaylord Gay Lord Gaylord!)_

_King of the Boxes, Master without fear!_

_We all love him so, we don't care that he's queer!_

_Finest of our cardboard kind_

_No greater king ever will you find_

_Than Gaylord (Gaylord Gaylord!)_

_The Gay Lord Gaylord (Gaylord Gay Lord Gaylord!)_

[The boxes proceed to clear the way, allowing several of the boxes to carry Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord in on a palanquin. And he is fucking fabulous.]

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: _Wel-come then to my domain!_

_Your search, my child, is not in vain!_

_For I am here, gayest of lords of Gaylords_

_Gaylord!_

_And I have come to-_

(Without further thought, Cloud grabs ahold of Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord and begins to violently shake him)

Cloud: Where the hell is my waffle iron?!

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: Ack! M-My child, you are crushing your lord's neck-

Cloud: WHERE IS IT?!

Straight Gaylord 1: He is crushing our king's neck!

Straight Gaylord 2: Please sir! Unhand our king!

Box Packed with Fudge: Please! Someone get him off! He's attacking my husband!

[The boxes manage to rather quickly overpower Cloud, tying him down and getting a blindfold around his eyes]

[Some time later, Cloud is presented to the warehouse full of boxes again, the blindfold is violently ripped off his face. Cloud stands in the middle of some kind of arena]

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: For your horrible actions against the king of boxes, we have decreed you must do battle with our finest warrior!

Cloud: I just want my fucking waffle iron back-

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: In our nationally recognized contest of strength-

Cloud: Damn it, everyone knows what this joke is going to be! You don't have to drag it out! Just quit while your ahead-

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: BOXING!

Cloud: God fucking damn it…

[There is a loud stomping sound behind him, Cloud then faces the greatest of all of the box's warriors]

Him: I'm gonna teach you a widdle wesson about attacking somebody's king! You gonna cwy an wish you ever crossed me!

Cloud: Okay, _really_? If the last joke wasn't obvious enough, you're really dragging this shit out?

Him: I will personowy pound you intwo next weekend! I will take your manhwood! I wanna wip out youwe heart and show it to you!

Cloud: No. I'm not participating in this anymore. You have sunken to lowest common denominator narrator. This isn't funny. Nothing about this is funny!

Him: I am the gweatest in the world! I am Mike, the box of Tyson chicken tenders-

[Cloud, having had enough of this bullshit, runs right at Mike, the box of Tyson chicken tenders and uses his ridiculously pointy hair to shred open his… I dunno, stomach? Center? He's a fucking box. With his point he tears and gouges out his bags of frozen Tyson chicken tenders. The court of boxes stare in disbelief as he stands from the ridiculously silly dismemberment and looks Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord dead in the eyes]

Cloud: No more fucking jokes. No more fucking puns. I want my waffle iron back!

Gaylord the Gay Lord Gaylord: … Guards! Guards find this ridiculous man's waffle iron!

Royal Assistant: My lord, we just ran inventory, we just found that we've only had one waffle iron in in the last week.

Cloud: Is it a 1-1/2 inch thick oster?

Royal Assistant: Some Rich guy ordered it just the other day, Razorhead. It was probably just delivered.

Cloud: Who was he?

Royal Assistant: I told you, some Rich guy!

Cloud: WHO?!

[Cut to Cloud standing outside a gate in the pouring rain in Richville, just outside Richie Rich's mansion]

Cloud: Fucking… Whatever.

[Cloud pushes the buzzer and it quickly greeted by the voice of an old, warn out Richie Rich. I mean, he was like, what, six? Seven? Nine tops back in 1953. That's gotta put him in his seventies. He's a gravely old fucker over the intercom too]

Rich: Who is there?

Cloud: Look, my name is Cloud Strife-

Rich: Are you here for the orphanage?

Cloud: No.

Rich: Good! Because I told em' they've gotten all they're gonna get outta me. When I was a boy I wore the same underwear up to a week at a time and I turned out fine! … Wait, what the hell did you want?

Cloud: I'm here for my waffle iron.

Rich: (Snide) Oh _your_ waffle iron, huh?

Cloud: Yes, _my_ waffle iron!

Rich: Well, I for one can't speak to what happened to _your_ waffle iron Mr. Strife, but I can assure you this waffle iron in here belongs to me!

Cloud: (Enraged) No it doesn't! It's my waffle iron! It was lent to a friend, who it was stolen from, and then pawned off to and whatever that shit was with the boxes-

Rich: You listen here you little shit, this waffle iron is _mine_, you hear me? Maybe you lost yours in some way, but that's none of my business. I paid for this waffle iron myself. Do you think I'd have amassed the fortune I have here if I bought a new waffle iron for every Tom, Dick and Nancy who came to my door?

Cloud: You'd probably get to write that off your taxes and then you'd have _more_ money!

Rich: I tire of this conversation. I just ran myself bath. Good night sir.

Cloud: But-

Rich: GOOD NIGHT SIR!

[The intercom goes dead as Cloud states at the mansion. It doesn't fucking matter anymore. He has come too far. Cloud tears open the gate. Instantly sirens begin to go off, but Cloud thinks nothing of them as he rushes towards the mansion and kicks in the door]

Cloud: RICH?! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU? AND WHERE THE FUCK IS MY WAFFLE IRON?!

[Through the house Cloud runs until he faintly hears the dripping of water from some room above him. Sure his journey is finally at its end, Cloud rushes up the stairs and kicks in the door to the bathroom. In the tub the decrepit Richie Rich sits, holding the waffle iron, plugged into the wall, inches above the water. Instantly Cloud freezes and stares]

Rich: Who… Who are you? Are… Are you the man from the gate?

Cloud: … No. I'm an angel. Sent to save your life. Gimmie that waffle iron.

Rich: (Holds it closer to himself, is suspicious) An angel?

Cloud: Yes. An angel. Sent by… Shit who is the god of rich people- Sent by Jehovah. The lord Jehovah. The… The defeater of the evil lord Xenu. Yeah. Gonna go with that one.

Rich: What do you want with me?

Cloud: I was sent to stop you from killing yourself. Why don't you just slowly hand me the waffle iron and then-

Rich: (Gives a scornful laugh) Stop me from killing myself? So _now_ God wants to intervene. Now, only when I'm done asking him any questions, does God have anything to say!

Cloud: God says you should put down that waffle maker and-

Rich: So tell me then, angel almighty: Where were you when my first wife was struck with pneumonia? Where were you when my daughter played too close to the street that one day?

Cloud: Um… Making waffles. Let me do that for you-

Rich: How about when my parents died in that plane crash, huh?! Or when Canterbury gave his life to save me from a rockslide? How about when my second wife died of typhoid, _fucking typhoid_! I didn't even know that existed anymore!

Cloud: I know life seems hard right now, but I promise, if you'll just hand me that waffle iron-

Rich: (To the point of sobbing now) You know, I thought you were showing me the truth last time! I thought that meeting her was finally going to put things right… I thought you brought Julia into my life for a reason… But NO! She was a mooch! A fucking gold digger! She used me for all I was worth and then ran off with that secret bitch of a lover of hers Patty Mayonnaise!

Cloud: … Holy shit. I can't believe that not-joke actually came back.

Rich: I stopped praying because God had no answers for me! I'm sick of waiting for God to take control! This is my life, and it is my right to end it!

Cloud: Listen… Richie-

Rich: DON'T CALL ME THAT!

Cloud: Okay… Listen… Dick… I know times can be hard… Sometimes every one of us is like, 'Why does this shit keep happening? Why am I still dealing with this? I try and be a good guy, I don't ask for much, why do I have to endure this?' And you know what I like to do when I feel like that…? I like to make a big batch of deep, crispy, rich waffles.

[They face each other silently before Rich sobs again]

Rich: Well then mister angel… I shall make the richest batch of waffles this world has ever seen!

[Rich drops the iron into the water. And yes, frankly I've seen mixed things on if this would actually be effective or not. But then I decided, 'Fuck it, I had singing boxes in this story! If I am gonna do that, I can have Richie Rich kill himself with a waffle maker!]

[Erm, anyway, Cloud falls to his knees and screams. About this time the police arrive, having heard the siren and Cloud tries to rush for his ruined waffle iron, but the police pull him off and drag him away to the station.]

[Some obstinent amount of time later, Blade is parked right outside the Richville county jail when Cloud is escorted out and climbs into the front seat]

Cloud: … Thanks for helping me make bale.

Blade: Yeah. I'm sorry all that happened to you man. That's… That's some shit right there.

Cloud: All the evidence points to suicide… I'll probably be acquitted of everything. Just a quick slap on the wrist for trespassing…

Blade: So I take it the iron-

Cloud: Even if they could make it work again, they're keeping it as evidence… God. Fucking. Damn it.

[The two friends sit silently for a few seconds before Blade puts a hand on his shoulder]

Blade: Hey… You wanna go get some square pancakes?

Cloud: … Y… Yeah… I think I do.

The End.


End file.
